Dear Dodger Stadium,
You suck. Not because your stadium has 2 escalators in the whole place even though it was built on a hill, not even because you can only enter the stadium exactly where you are sitting, you suck for the fact that I cannot enjoy a game of baseball without almost dying.

I have 2 allegiances in baseball, Padres and Red Sox, and I had already found my way to Dodger Stadium to support the BoSox in their exhibition game, so last Friday we decided to see Peavy v. Penny and support the Pads. Left field bleachers, no Padres hats present, Kyle, Liz and myself. There we were minding our own business, cheering for our team, witnessing countless Padres fans heckled, assaulted with peanuts, popcorn, seeds, soaked with beer, etc. Granted these fans were a little more outspoken, and finally each one at some point had enough and started throwing things back or yelling back, and every one of them was kicked out. What about the 30-40 Dodger fans who started the whole ordeal? Oh, they were fine, no need to stop that kind of behaviour in the stands.

I really was shocked, I had dealt with some obnoxious Dodger fans at moments in the old days of The Murph, I guess I just expected that to be the exception, not the rule. It is definitely the rule. The Dodger organization apparently supports this kind of behaviour and does not care about the fans of opposing teams and their right to enjoy a ballgame. The Dodger organization is a classless lot, which is probably why their fans like them.

We sat in the front of a section, Dodger fans behind us, it started out quite friendly and the guy directly behind me realised we knew baseball and we had some good fun talking a little trash with a known and vocalized respect that it was all in the fun of the game. I love trash talking, it’s encouraged, but at the end of the day, when the game is over, let’s go have a beer and laugh about whichever of our teams sucked the worse, it’s just a game. So this guy had a couple friends with him, they were apparently die hard fans (whom later told me they didn’t even like the Dodgers, and only came because of a free ticket) who refused to let any sort of friendliness exist with Padres fans. They decided the best way to act was to constantly talk trash and heckle while their team was losing.

Soon they realised we didn’t really care about what they had to say, and if they were gonna annoy us they had to step it up, so they did. Next thing you know I have a guy pulling up my hood. Is this 4th grade? Is this really happening? I shrug it off, whatever, we have style and grace they lack. The Padres continue with the monster 4th inning which seems to seriously upset said Dodger fans. Now they have moved on to poking us in the back, now mind you the main offender was already warned to stop causing trouble earlier when he was throwing seeds at people, so I turn around and tell the guy that if he touches me again, I’ll tell security he is back to throwing seeds at people and there happens to be a huge pile right behind me that will dispute his surefire response to not having anymore seeds, of course since it’s 4th grade he pokes me in the back once I turn around.

So then I turn and glare, and this guy thinks it’s a good idea to touch my face, now I know how this stuff works, he wants me to hit him, but I’d rather introduce him to the full face wipe, and then it gets a little heated and out of precaution Kyle restrains me. So I walk over to security, let them know the guys behind us are “poking and touching us the whole game” (yes, definitely the creepiest thing I have said in a while) and that I want them thrown out. So security takes them out, for 10 minutes, and then lets them back in. Wait, what? Yeah, apparently they just needed a time out. Well knowing these guys behaviour and track record you can bet they didn’t just calm down after almost being kicked out. Instead they tried to plot what they would do to us once they got their chance.

The main flaw in trying to plan an attack on people sitting right in front of you, is that they are right in front of you. I heard every word, and was planning my counter attack. My counter attack was brilliant and mostly involved ducking and shoving him down the stairs. I spent the rest of the game waiting for these guys to jump out of their seat and try to hit me, it was a really great way to enjoy a Padres victory. They stayed seated because a couple of LAPD had posted up near our section, joining the security a few feet away from us. I was even more excited for the assault now, knowing I would get to press charges, but eventually the officers decided to walk across to the opposite end of the bleacher, and conveniently the security guard left too.

The chatter of their plans grew more intense, and I kept an eye turned towards the main offender. Kyle and I exchanged some glances that ensured we were on the same page. During one of my looks back, the third rabble-rouser who was very intoxicated decided to show me the knife he had. He pulled it out of his pocket, and gave me a look that wasn’t very welcoming. I’ve never been in a knife fight, and I imagine they aren’t like the ones in Westside Story, I imagine this guy is the sort to let his friends start a commotion and slip in and stab somebody in the middle of it all.

So to make sure we are all up to speed, the Dodger fans behind us, who were only there because of free tickets, who had already been kicked out for their behaviour, but then were allowed back in, who were also allowed in with a knife, were behind us plotting their attack. After 2 outs in the ninth, we left, I turned around to the 2 sober ones and said “guys, it’s only a game”, extended my hand to them and left.

Thanks for the great night of baseball Los Angeles.

Interested in the Dodger Stadium code of conduct? I wonder if anyone who works there has ever read that?

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